I take my album reviewing responsibilities very seriously. I mean, when you're co-running a blog of such a high caliber as NAE, there's a lot of pressure. To help myself out with this particular review, I decided to go to the source. What you have here is an original, never before seen interview with the Grüvis Malt.
NAE: Guys, thanks so much for doing this interview. It really means a lot.
GM: No problem, man. Um...we're a little embarrassed to admit this, but we had actually never heard of North American Empire until you called us and asked us to do this interview. This is a legitimate publication, right?
NAE: Perfectly legitimate.
GM: Good. I mean, we're not actually technically even together anymore, so it's not like we had anything better to do, but still. I think half of us were probably expecting to show up and see two college dudes trying to replicate their own Pitchfork-induced music review fetishes.
NAE: *coughs* Well...I'm...um...I'm glad that's not the case, huh! *laughs nervously*
GM: No kidding.
NAE: *hurriedly checks notes* So you guys are originally from Providence, RI, correct?
GM: Yup. But really, nobody gives a shit about that. The only other band to come out of Providence worth anything is Lightning Bolt, and fuck that noise.
NAE: Hysterical. Fine, I guess my next question would be--
GM: Did you see what we did there? We made a noise rock joke. I'm not sure if you caught it.
NAE: Oh, I caught it. You guys are pretty funny, alright. I was going to ask what genre you guys would classify yourselves under.
GM: We're futurock, baby.
NAE: I'm pretty sure that's not actually a real genre. It tells you absolutely nothing about what style of music you actually play.
GM: It's a very real genre.
NAE: Well, no need to argue about this. As the other person who runs this blog can attest, I actually have a list of every single genre created throughout the history of music, from psychadelic-ambient-folk-drone to neo-psychadelic-progressive-latin-jazz-funk. And...*scans list*...no, I'm not seeing a "futurock" on this list.
GM: Well, see, we founded the futurock genre. We created it. We're pioneers.
NAE: Yeah...the thing is, if every band were allowed to "found" their own genre based on their misunderstood and often pretentious notion of what their music actually sounds like, it would rip a hole in the fabric of the space-time-music continuum. Now, I happened to listen to your album ...With The Spirit Of A Traffic Jam while I was driving over to the office here (I have a long commute), and let's be real. You guys are nothing more than a slightly jazzy hip-hop band.
GM: Not fair, brah. I mean, by labeling us as simply a hip-hop band, you're completely discounting the odd time signatures and composition structures of our tracks.
NAE: Fine. So you're a math-rock band.
GM: Well, we do share a lot of similarities with our math rock contemporaries. But if you leave it at that, you're liable to forget that when we do act like a hip-hop group, we have some damn good lyrics and some really damn good flow. I mean, you did listen to Nonsanity 2037X, right?
NAE: I did.
GM: And by calling us either of those, you're also tempting your readers to forget that we obviously listened to a lot of jazz growing up in the old 401.
NAE: Okay, okay. So you're a jazzy, mathy hip-hop group. How's that?
GM: Getting there, but you're also leaving out how we are pretty progressive, considering our musicianship is off the charts for most of the album.
NAE: I mean, I guess, but not every band with members who can actually play an instrument can just call themselves progressive--
GM: And there's a certain funk quality to our stuff that you're still missing too, y'know?
NAE: *grabs genre list, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire* Fine! So, as the only futurock band on this planet, why should our readers take a chance with your album here?
GM: Chances are, they've never heard anything like this album before. I mean, we never did anything crazy like making our music so lo-fi that it sounds like it was recorded in an alleyway. We didn't have an overbearing, control-obsessed frontman who locked the rest of us in a bathroom and recorded all the instrument parts by himself. But we're still pretty damn original, y'know? I mean, you've heard our music before, but you've never heard it all put together like this.
NAE: That's probably a fair assessment. Now, the high point on this album by far is Even The Scars Forget The Wounds. Tell me a little about that song.
GM: It sums up our sound, man. It is futurock! It's got the hip-hop, the jazz, the math-rock, the prog, the funk, the musicianship, the lyrical flow, the lyrical--
NAE: Got it. I think. Well guys, thanks again for doing this interview. I'd say this is definitely the finest moment NAE has ever had in terms of futurock. By far.
GM: That's it? We have to drive all the way back to Providence now? I thought there'd be a photo op, a video shoot, something. I mean, we're not even well known in Rhode Island. And you guys promised us a feature article, where all of your readers will see it.
NAE: Well, uh..yeah. I apologize about that. Just think of it this way though, now you'll have two or three more listeners than you currently do.
GM: Aw, man. Will you guys at least cover our gas for the drive back to Providence?
NAE: Look, we've got an operating budget of...hey, two Keystone Lights and a life-sized Thom Yorke poster. So I'd say that's not really a possibility. Sorry.
GM: We'll take the Keystones.
NAE: Deal.
Somebody turn the lights on I can't see through this mess
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